My Greatest Battle
Updated: Sep 14, 2018
It has been a great 2 weeks of starting my journey back to a healthier me, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
When I started, I was not expecting to have such an amazing support system. To my surprise and wonder, it was larger than I could ever imagine. I thank each and everyone one of you for joining me and encouraging me on my journey. It was the boost I needed to win the battle within myself.
It has taken me a couple of years to finally get motivated again, and from my first blog, about 6 months to finally act upon it. Why did it take me so long? Because in the battle I was having within myself, the dark side was winning.
"Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul/mind." - Ezra Taft Benson.
This quote illustrates my whole life and possibly many of you can relate. What we think of ourselves can really impact us more than you can ever think. In my case, it really impacted my life and even altered my purpose. "But Gio, you are strong, and brave, how could this have impacted you?" Ah, well simple, I was and still am my worst critic.
Ever since I can remember, whenever I did something wrong or I was punished for something, I would always tell myself that I was an idiot for committing my mistakes or for doing what I was not supposed to do. That thought was possibly the least damaging because it is normal to feel ashamed or disappointed of oneself when you do something wrong.
But when I felt it was occurring more and more, or that the shame of what I was doing was stronger and stronger, those thoughts got darker and darker. Came to a point where I slipped into a deep depression during my high school years. I'm not sure if anyone ever noticed, but there were days I had wished to be dead. I had lost my worth. I had lost who I was, and every mistake took me deeper into the dark.
It got serious enough that I attempted multiple times to take my life, yet not strong enough to go through with it completely, I would feel like a worse failure for not even succeeding with my own death. Pretty dark huh?
Well, the good thing is, I got better. I found the light within myself and fed it more wood so it can start to burn and shine brighter. I eventually snapped out of my depression and went onto a mission and felt my life positively turning into something worth living for. I thought I had won. I thought I had beat the darkness...boy, I was wrong.
In a previous blog, I explained how I am a very emotional man, more than normal. Years after my mission, the darkness started creeping back again. Why? because all the trials that came up, all the struggles that occurred, every mistake I was making, inside my mind, I was telling myself that I was a good for nothing. It was all my fault. The pain, the misery, it all was caused because I am just a curse to all those around me. Everyone is better off without me. I am better dead. Dark again. No hope. No salvation.
Now, I'm normally a very outgoing person. Naturally, I love to make new friends and get to know many people, but when this happened before and once again, I started to step away from everyone. Because I started feeling like a bother to everyone, so I'd rather just stay put and listen to music or watch whatever show, just to avoid annoying anyone.
So how did I take myself out of it this time? I didn't. I'm still there. I still think everyone would be better off without me. I still think that my death would be a blessing to those I feel I have burdened with my presence. I still occasionally step away to be alone. So, if you see that, just know I am not being antisocial, or stuck up, just the battle is strong and I'd rather not speak.
However, this time, my fight back is bigger. My motivation is stronger and my inner light is being fortified daily through personal development sessions focused on having my worth shine. As I said, all your love and encouragement, really made me see who cares, when I believed there was none. My lovely and beautiful wife, has been a great support during those times and I am so grateful to have her by my side.
For her, and my two girls, I work daily to remove the dark and keep the light. For them, I become better, physically, to keep up with them as they explore the world. For them I improve myself emotionally so I can succor to their needs and know how to comfort them. For them, I become who I have always wanted to be, because they deserve the best of me.
And that is my true goal.